Howdy! Im Leroy and I'll just bet you
'member me from thet Lucifers Hotpocket
Auction I did a while back - well
here's somethin even better. I spose y'all have
heerd 'bout this feller what wrote a book about
President Lincoln bein gay an' whatnot. THis
feller's name was C.A. Tripp and he wrote this
book "The Intimate World of Abraham
Lincoln". Now it's my feelin that
he didn't have a whole heckuva lotta proof and
that alla his proof wuz circumcisional ( that
means it aint worth squat ). So anyhow, as I was
readin thet book this las' saturday afternoon, I
got sicka just sittin an' figgered Id go do
somethin worth while, cuz thet sunny afternoon
was just slidin by. Anyhow, since I kikt the
Trudster to th' curb she haint come back fer her
stuff, so i figgered I help her get a head start
on the gettin gone.
I grabbed me a coupla cans a IRON CITY
and climbed the ladder up to the attik. I pokt
muh head outta the floor of the attik an all i
could see wuz boxes of junk 'bout
everwhere.
On th' south side wuz all her cosmotolijy
junk with the fake heads a hair an so I pitched
em all outta the attik vent in th' general
direction of th dumpster on the back side a th
Ace hardware behind me. In just a coupla minutes
4-5 dawgs come along an made off'n with th'
wigs, shakein em back an fouth like they wuz a
rabbit in need of a broken neck. THe boxes on
the North side wuz all hummel figureens and them
crappy little Beeny babies, so i carried em
downstairs and then rippt the heads off'n each
beeny baby, reel personal like, cuz Im sure
Trudy misst the rent mor'n onct to buy thet
crap. Now just a little thawt here: WHat kind of
growd-up woman would buy this junk if'n they had
a half a brain in they haid? I mean just 'cuz
some idjit tellsya thet it be worth somethin,
thet dont mean ya gotta buy it. Speshully if its
thet kinda useless junk. I seen more useful stuf
come outta the hind enda muh dawg. Seriously!
Anyway I done broke all them figureens
with a ball peen hammer and ript the haids off'n
the beeny babys with no little amounta
satisfakshun, and went back upta the attik ta
git the restof it all.
I wuz only about a qwarter done and the
afternoon wuz 'bout gone. The light was steppin
down from the attik vent an the air was all gold
and warm-like an I figgered it wuz 'bout qwittin
time. One more box I sez ta muhself and headded
fur thet hope chest on th' north side. they was'
any plywood over the beams so I couldn't just
stand there and empty the chest, sos I grabbed
it an tosst it down th' ladder inta the
breezeway.
THe thing must been a hunnert years or so
old, an a course it busted from stem ta stern
when it hit the floor. Dust and blankets and
books flew everwhere an I was beginin ta think I
was real sorry for not quittin earlier. But i
headed down th' ladder an cummensta pickin it
all up. THat thing had been there when I bought
the trailer with the pop-top 6 years ago but
this wuz the first time I noticed it.
I had finished thowin it all out but them
pitcher albums on the bottom and the light had
all but faded. Anyhow I grabbt em an walked into
the kitchen ta git me another can a beer when I
noticed they was all reel old pitchers an such.
SO Im a thummin through th' pitchers when alla a
sudden I sees this pitcher of some ol' haggerd
broad what looked like trudy's stepmom in a bad
bridemaid dress. I tell ya, you could picked muh
jaw up off'n th' floor when I realiz it wuz
Abraham Lincoln in DRAG. An there wuz Robert e
Lee lookin like some kinda costume party rejekt.
and then I saw th letters twixt the two of em an
I ainta fraid ta tellya thet I wept like a
schoolgirl from the sorrow of it all.
Yuh see, them two had loved the other
with alla they hearts, but they could never make
it work cuzza the war an the hardened hearts of
alla they buddies an the fact thet Mary Todd was
nuttier then squrril droppins... 'Bout then I
wisht I hadn't sold off th' Scientifical
Ghostifferator to Golden Palace so's I could
talk to Ol' Abe and see what he was thinkin'.
Sinct I couldnt talk to him, I figgered the
folks on eBay might like a chance to buy this
importint mammarobilya. I caint vouch fer its
authentissity, but it sure looks real, an
theht's good 'nuf fur me. Read below fur
disclaimerz and alla thet Lawyur stuff. Now
make sure ya come back in a few days cuzz I'll
be doin more videos!!! GO
to my About Me Page
Now!
DIAGRAM 1- Holy Moses! Lookit this!
Lincoln looks like a common workin girl in this
here pitcher. He looks just plum turrible an I
wisht he'd a had more sense than to use bright
pink lipstick with the blue eye shaddow, but I
guess he didn't. Shucks, Even I know he's an
autumn. CLick thet picher above to see it
Large size!
There she is! Queen of the
Amerricas! Abe is as sweet as a watermelon
pie in this perky ensemble from Ike Of
Illinois. Fashion forward mean ruffels
this season in Washington DEECEE! Click thet
picher above to see it Large size!
Got sumpin
ta say Leroy? Hit here to say it or if'n ya want me
to put yur comments up on this auction, ya gotta
use the contakt the seller button on top this
page.
If'n Ya want more info about ol Leroy and
whatnot, Ya betta go to my about me page and I
can tell ya more.
I
never realized thet Robt E Lee wuz such a queen
until I read his love letters ta Lincoln ( see
below ) I mean seriously! He makes Tom Kroos
look straight and Rosie O Donnul look like a
soccer mom. M I W H T F!!!!!!!!! an I
think ya know whut I mean!
THis
is a letter from Abe to Robert. I b'leive thet
it wuz wriiten in 1763 just after the Los
Angeles riots an Lincolns second term. I had a
handwritin expurt look at it an he said thet the
writer was prolly not a
housecat.
I
took this to the DEPARTMINT OF GHOSTOLOGY an he
said thet it proved without a doubt thet Robert
E Lee never ever ate a Taco SUpreme or Sushi and
onct lived on a
kibbutz.
THis is a drawin of the quilting partys
that Abe Lincoln and all of his transvestibule
buddies usta throw fer each other. I hear tell
thet theys still one of them quilts in the
Liberry of Congress and there's one on display
at the Louis Lamour Technical University in the
historonomy Departmint.
What Cha gonna Git!:
Ifn you win this aukshun, you'll git the 4
pitchers above an the two letters to go with it,
and my heartfelt thanks for makin possibly the
worst purchase decision in the history of
western civilization.
DISCLAIMERS: I dont
warruntee NOTHIN! These pitchers are real, but
they may be faked I just don't know fer sure,
but there is one thing I DO know is thet I look
far better in a negligee than either one of
these two fellers. Now if'n ya got a problem
with this auction and th depiction of your
childhood hero in a negative light, please get
counseling immediately and stop watching daytime
TV!
Shippin- If you gonna
buy these pitchers ya gotta pay another $20 fur
shippin usin UPS ground 'cuz its kinda heavy.
Looks like the want ads were a way
fer ol Honest Abe to hook up. Here's a copy of
the ad Abe placed and that Robert E Lee
responded to. Love was in the air, and the Great
emancipator was suddenly First Lady.
)
